IFS and Queer Healing: Understanding Protectors and Exiles
How Internal Family Systems helps LGBTQIA+ clients reclaim authenticity
3 min read
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a transformative approach to healing for queer clients, especially when dealing with feelings of guilt and shame. For many LGBTQIA+ individuals, guilt and shame often arise from internalized societal messages or familial rejection, leading to a disconnection from their true selves and an enduring sense of not being “enough.”
lFS understands the mind as composed of different "parts" that each play distinct roles in managing life’s experiences. This approach is particularly helpful because it provides a compassionate framework for understanding internal conflicts and addressing the root causes of emotional pain without judgment. These parts are generally classified into two groups: protectors and exiles.
Understanding Protectors and Exiles
IFS identifies "protector" parts as those working to keep us safe by managing or suppressing overwhelming emotions such as sadness, anger, or even joy. These protectors aim to maintain stability, often at the cost of fully expressing our authentic selves. Downtown Somatic Therapy therapist Luke Smithers explains, “Protectors aim to keep us safe by managing overwhelming emotions, but they often suppress our authenticity.” "Exiles," in contrast, carry the burden of painful memories and emotions—often from early experiences of rejection or fear.
For queer individuals, exiles may represent parts of themselves that were hidden due to societal or familial pressure to conform. Protectors then step in to keep these vulnerable parts out of awareness, fearing that embracing them would invite rejection or emotional flooding. For instance, a “perfectionist” protector might develop to ensure approval from others, while a “people-pleaser” protector might strive to avoid conflict or rejection.
“Protectors aim to keep us safe by managing overwhelming emotions, but they often suppress our authenticity.”
The Queer Experience in IFS Therapy
Many LGBTQIA+ individuals grow up internalizing the message that parts of their true selves are unacceptable. Whether it’s creativity, exuberance, or something deemed "different," these parts may be pushed into exile to maintain safety and connection. This adaptation helps to navigate a world that often does not accept them, but at a significant personal cost.
Befriending Protectors: A Path to Healing
Therapy creates space for clients to build relationships with their protectors, acknowledging the resilience and resourcefulness that enabled survival in a world that did not feel safe. Luke Smithers adds, “Befriending these protectors is a key step in accessing the exiled parts—the joyful, creative, or childlike aspects that may have been hidden away.”
Building trust with protector parts allows access to exiled parts, leading to profound healing.
The Grief and Joy of Reconnection
As trust deepens, many clients experience profound grief, mourning the years lost to hiding important aspects of themselves. There may also be anger at having felt the need to exile their true nature. However, as these emotions are processed, clients often reconnect with the joy, playfulness, and authenticity they thought were lost.
Luke Smithers emphasizes, “Witnessing queer clients reclaim their inner child and sense of wholeness is a powerful part of the therapeutic process.” It is not only about healing old wounds but also about embracing a vibrant, authentic self in the present.