Overcoming Fear of Commitment in Therapy
Fear of commitment in relationships can be a deeply ingrained emotional challenge that many people face. It often stems from early attachment experiences, past trauma, or internalized fears of vulnerability. While these feelings can feel overwhelming, they are not insurmountable.
4 min read
From the perspective of AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy), working through the fear of commitment is about accessing and processing core emotions in a safe, supportive environment. AEDP focuses on healing attachment wounds and facilitating emotional transformation through authentic connection.
Before working through the fear of commitment, it’s crucial to understand where it comes from. What if we think about fear of commitment not as the problem in and of itself, but as an expression of attempts to protect oneself from emotional pain? From this view, fear of commitment can be seen as a defense mechanism against the vulnerability required in a deep relationship. The root of this fear often lies in a lived history where an individual may have learned that intimacy leads to pain, rejection, or abandonment.
This fear often manifests in various ways: hesitation to open up emotionally, reluctance to define the relationship, difficulty trusting others, fantasizing that you can “do better” or even sabotaging behaviors in the face of growing closeness.
In AEDP, the therapist aims to help the client access their emotional experience, and more importantly, recognize how those emotions connect to their past experiences.
Stefan Allen-Hickey, an AEDP-trained therapist at Downtown Somatic Therapy in Lower Manhattan, says “Many people come into therapy feeling uncertain about their relationships, believing that their own wariness to commit has to do with something being “not quite right” with their partner, only to discover that commitment actually feels threatening to them. I have found AEDP to be an effective way to work to process and soothe underlying fears inhibiting people from showing up fully in committed relationships”.
A crucial part of working through any fear in therapy, particularly the fear of commitment, is creating a space where the client feels truly seen and understood. In AEDP, this is called attunement—where the therapist mirrors the client’s feelings, both verbal and non-verbal, and responds in a way that resonates emotionally. This experience of being deeply understood can help clients lower their defenses, making it easier to explore their fears and feelings.
"I have found AEDP to be an effective way to work to process and soothe underlying fears inhibiting people from showing up fully in committed relationships."
If you struggle with commitment, you may have internalized messages of not being worthy of love or connection. As a result, the idea of letting someone close may feel unsafe. The first step in overcoming this fear is cultivating a sense of emotional safety. This is why working with a therapist who can consistently attune to your emotional state and provide a nurturing, empathetic presence is so vital.
From the perspective of AEDP, underneath every defense lies a core emotion, which, when processed, leads to profound healing. The fear of commitment is often tied to deep feelings of vulnerability, loss, and abandonment. By identifying and exploring these emotions, the therapist helps you access the truth beneath the fear.
For example, you might uncover feelings of grief from a past loss or hurt that has remained unprocessed. You might also feel a sense of shame about not being able to "get it right" in relationships. It’s often in the moments where we feel most vulnerable that we can experience the deepest emotional breakthroughs.
“Underneath every defense lies a core emotion, which, when processed, leads to profound healing.”
Rather than pushing these feelings away or avoiding them, AEDP encourages clients to allow themselves to fully experience these emotions. It’s not about “fixing” or “getting over” them; it’s about validating and expressing them in a safe, supportive environment. When you can sit with vulnerability, you can allow yourself to heal.
A unique aspect of AEDP is its emphasis on transformational experiences—moments where emotional processing leads to deep shifts in the client’s experience of themselves and their relationships. These moments often arise from a deep sense of relief when core emotions are acknowledged and processed.
As a person working through the fear of commitment, you may have internalized a narrative that intimacy is dangerous or will lead to pain. By processing your core emotions—whether that’s grief, sadness, or fear—you may start to create a new emotional narrative: one where intimacy can be safe, nurturing, and fulfilling. This transformative shift comes not only from cognitive understanding but from allowing yourself to feel the emotional reality that intimacy and commitment do not have to end in hurt.
After processing core emotions, the next phase in AEDP is integrating new emotional experiences into your life. This means building healthier relational patterns and learning how to be vulnerable in a way that fosters trust and connection. The fear of commitment can be transformed into a willingness to be emotionally present and engaged in relationships without the constant fear of rejection.
The therapist’s role is to help you practice these new relational skills in session, so you feel more confident in taking risks in real life. By gradually learning to tolerate vulnerability and being attuned to your own emotions, you begin to rewrite the narrative of commitment in a way that aligns with your authentic self and desires.
“The therapist’s role is to help you practice these new relational skills in session, so you feel more confident in taking risks in real life.”
Working through a fear of commitment is not about rushing into relationships or forcing yourself to act in ways that don’t feel authentic. It’s about gradually building the emotional capacity to trust yourself and others, knowing that your vulnerability will not lead to abandonment or hurt. AEDP provides a powerful framework for healing attachment wounds and accessing the emotional resources needed to engage fully in committed relationships.
In therapy, you can move through the layers of fear, defensiveness, and pain to access the deeper truth that you deserve love and connection. By working with a compassionate therapist, you can begin to dismantle the barriers to intimacy and build relationships based on authenticity, trust, and emotional resilience.