Working with ADHD Experientially
Navigating shame and building a slower, kinder relationship to ourselves.
4 min read
We often think of ADHD as mainly affecting someone’s impulsivity and distractibility, but ADHD can significantly affect one’s emotional regulation as well. Impulsivity and distractibility can lead to frustration, shame, and feelings of inadequacy. In experiential therapy, rather than simply aiming to “cope” with these unpleasant experiences, the focus is on exploring the moment-to-moment experience of what it’s like to be someone with ADHD. And from there: how would we like to change?
Many individuals with ADHD come into therapy wanting to work on staying organized, improving focus, and managing distractions. While practical coping strategies can be helpful, they do not necessarily foster a deeper understanding of self.
Unlike ADHD coaching, which focuses on building concrete skills like time management and productivity, experiential therapy takes an in-the-room approach to exploring how ADHD shapes one’s emotions, relationships, and self-perception. Coaching misses these real-time opportunities for nuance and focuses on problem solving instead of self-discovery.
Austin Dalgleish, a therapist at Downtown Somatic Therapy, says that by addressing the “emotional and psychological layers of ADHD, experiential therapy helps individuals learn to accept and work with the parts of themselves that are a bit neurospicy instead of trying to ‘fix’ them.”
"Experiential therapy helps individuals learn to accept and work with the parts of themselves that are a bit neurospicy instead of trying to ‘fix’ them."
Experiential therapy is a bottom up approach that challenges us to do things differently rather than working to understand things differently. In the context of ADHD, this means moving beyond conversation and engaging in real-time tracking of emotions, relationship check-ins, and an awareness of how the body is absorbing treatment.
Slowing down in-the-room with ADHD can be tough, but often underneath that quick tempo there can be some deeply unpleasant feelings of shame.
“Slowing down in-the-room with ADHD can be tough, but often underneath that quick tempo there can be some deeply unpleasant feelings of shame.”
Clients with ADHD might come into therapy with more of a pressure on themselves to “stay focused” and may experience shame when they go off on a tangent and lose focus. This may lead them to really believe that they are not smart or not good enough or that they have something wrong with them.
Experiential therapy would work with the client to slow down, notice what’s happening in their body, and work to move into a more curious position about the ways in which their brain pulls them away and learn to dialogue with that part of themselves to decide which path of conversation feels best in the moment.
This can lead to a more adaptive belief of themselves: moving from I’m not smart enough to stay focused to I love the parts of myself that pull me away and I’ve learned how to manage their needs.
Cultural attitudes towards those who are neurodivergent often place judgment on the way these folks experience the world. This shame can be intensely uncomfortable, and when left unattended it can get internalized and solidify into some harmful ideas about ourselves: I’m stupid, I’m not trying hard enough to fix my ADHD, I’ll never be good enough.
These patterns of internalizing our ADHD as something bad or something that is our fault can have significant emotional impact on both our relationships with ourselves and our loved ones. The mere act of naming these patterns fosters self-compassion and shifts the perspective from self-blame to self-awareness.
“Internalizing our ADHD as something bad or something that is our fault can have significant emotional impact on both our relationships with ourselves and our loved ones.”
By engaging in a deeper, more attuned experiential therapy process, clients can gain greater control over their deeper held ideas about their ADHD by noticing how it impacts their ability to connect with others.
Experiential therapy is grounded in relationships–you are using your connection with another (the therapist) to work towards a better version of yourself. Rather than offering problem solving, therapist and client work together to be curious about the ways ADHD impacts our emotional bonds to others and our care for ourselves.