What is Emotional Perfectionism?
Somatic therapy can help you unlearn intergenerational patterns of avoiding feeling important emotions
4 min read
Have you ever felt like you have to reason and rationalize with yourself for why you feel angry or sad about something? Emotional perfectionism might be at the root of what’s happening for you.
While many people experience this to some degree, for children of immigrants, emotional perfectionism can feel even more intense and all-consuming. The unique pressures they face—cultural expectations, family dynamics, and the desire to meet the high standards set by their parents—often make it harder to navigate their emotional worlds with ease.
Here we will explore what emotional perfectionism might look like, how to understand and normalize your experiences and to find therapy that can support your healing journey.
At its core, emotional perfectionism involves an individual’s intense need to regulate and control their emotions to avoid feelings of shame, guilt, or disappointment. People with emotional perfectionism often believe that their worth is tied to how they feel and express themselves. If they experience what they perceive as a "negative" emotion—like anger, sadness, or anxiety—it can feel like a failure.
As a result, they may suppress these emotions, striving to present an image of emotional composure and control at all times. Nithyaa Venkataramani, LMSW, a psychotherapist at Downtown Somatic Therapy, often works with these kinds of issues. “It can be so painful to be internally struggling with something huge, like losing someone close to you or navigating a breakup, and feel like no one can actually tell that anything is wrong. While a part of you may have learned to feel safer when showing up as the calm and composed one, there’s a deep loneliness that this can create.”
For many immigrants who have moved to areas like New York to seek out a better life, achievement feels like the antidote to all of the pain of leaving one’s own home country in search of a better life and opportunities. Many first-generation immigrant parents may want their children to succeed academically and professionally, not just for the children’s sake but as a reflection of the sacrifices they made to start a new life in a different country.
This success is seen as a way to repay parents for their struggles and validate the decision to move. As a result, children growing up in immigrant families often feel an overwhelming need to constantly perform well, whether in school, extracurricular activities, or in managing their emotions.
One of the most significant drivers of emotional perfectionism among children of immigrants is the fear of disappointing their parents. Immigrant parents may have faced great hardships to provide a better life for their children, and this can lead them to have very high expectations for their children's behavior, achievements, and emotional self-control. The pressure to live up to these expectations can become overwhelming.
"It can be so painful to be internally struggling with something huge, like losing someone close to you or navigating a breakup, and feel like no one can actually tell anything is wrong."
This fear is often internalized, resulting in a child who constantly checks their emotional responses to avoid any perceived failure. They may feel that showing vulnerability or expressing emotions that might be seen as "weak" could disappoint their parents and undermine the sacrifices their family made. In many cases, this results in children becoming emotionally guarded, repressing their true feelings to avoid confrontation or guilt.
Children of immigrants often feel they must navigate two very different worlds—one shaped by their parents' heritage and one defined by the culture they are growing up in. These contrasting worlds can create inner turmoil. In an attempt to reconcile both sides, children might overcompensate by striving for perfection in their emotional and academic lives, aiming to be "good enough" for both their families and the society around them. Oftentimes, parents will also reinforce this pressure on their children in an attempt to ensure their children are stable and secure in their life in this country.
This dual cultural identity can lead to emotional confusion and stress, as the child tries to balance and align conflicting values. The expectation to "get it right" emotionally can heighten feelings of anxiety, self-doubt, and a constant fear of disappointing their parents. This can lead to significant mental health challenges, including anxiety, depression, and a distorted sense of self-worth. Emotional perfectionism, when left unchecked, can make it harder for children of immigrants to process their emotions authentically, and can foster a sense of isolation.
To break free from the cycle of emotional perfectionism, children of immigrants can benefit greatly from building a self-compassion practice and recognizing their own emotions as important information rather than threatening. Recognizing that emotions are a natural part of the human experience—rather than something to be suppressed or perfected—can help foster emotional resilience.
As Nithyaa Venkataramani, LMSW, says, “It can be a very transformative experience to work within therapy with an emotion-focused therapist who can kickstart the process of naming and making different emotional experiences ok, such as having anger at being mistreated or sadness about a setback or disappointment. This process is so much more challenging to do on one’s own if there haven’t been healthy models for how to feel something without immediately feeling ashamed or guilty for having the feeling.”
Many people who have spent years avoiding feeling their emotions end up experiencing their repressed emotions physically as frequent headaches, stomach issues, chronic body tension and brain fog. Somatic therapy interventions that integrate body sensations and linking them to the underlying emotions can often unlock a release that is not only emotional but also felt in the body. Somatic therapy is also a great fit for people who have spent a long time trying to analyze their emotional states rather than being able to access the feelings themselves.
By learning to navigate their emotions with kindness and understanding, children of immigrants can begin to release the emotional pressure that comes from the expectation of constant perfection. If you want to learn more, reach out today to book a consultation with a therapist today who can help support you in your journey in overcoming emotional perfectionism.