How Somatic Therapy Can Heal Your Attachment Wound
Strategies for tending to emotional scars from emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, or neglectful attachment figures.
4 min read
How do emotionally unavailable attachment figures affect adults?
Growing up with an emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, or neglectful attachment figure can shape adult attachment patterns. This article describes that impact and the strategies somatic therapy uses to tend to those emotional scars, framing healing as a challenging but important journey for a person’s well-being.
Healing from the impact of having an attachment figure that is unattuned to their child’s needs can be a challenging but important journey for a client’s well-being. In some cases, children with emotionally unavailable attachment figures may take on a caretaker role, attempting to fulfill the emotional needs of the parent rather than receiving the emotional support they need. This can impact self-esteem, leading to feelings of unworthiness or a belief that a child’s emotional needs aren’t valid.
When clients struggle with trust and intimacy in present day relationships, it is critical to explore whether the primary attachment figures in early years were consistently emotionally available. It is not uncommon for clients to quickly come to a caregiver's defense, especially when basic needs were met. However, It is often the case that a caregiver both did their best, and that her best wasn’t enough all or most of the time.
Emotionally unavailable attachment figures can manifest in various ways, but here are some signs that may indicate that you had an emotionally unavailable attachment figure: (1) they were consistently unresponsive to your emotional needs, (2) they ignored or dismissed your feelings rather than providing comfort or support, (3) growing up, you might have found it challenging to express your emotions openly, fearing rejection or indifference (4) they may have been inconsistent in expressing love and affection, leaving you uncertain about their emotional availability.
While emotional wounds from caregivers are not limited to a mother figure, mothers play a unique role in the development of children both in utero and in a child’s infancy. Downtown Somatic Therapist Psychotherapist, Sarah Shuster, says that many of her clients core issues in therapy reveals itself as “accepting that the relationship with their mother was insufficient, while simultaneously validating the very oppressive systems that often kept those mothers disempowered.” Because mothers are often disproportionately tasked with basic survival needs of children, their overwhelm can also make it harder for them to provide higher level needs, like emotional presence and responsiveness.
Downtown Somatic Therapist Psychotherapist Sarah Shuster, says that many of her clients core issues in therapy reveals itself as “accepting that the relationship with their mother was insufficient, while simultaneously validating the very oppressive systems that often kept those mothers disempowered.”
Therapy seeks to create corrective emotional experiences that counteract past negative experiences with attachment figures. This might involve experiencing the therapist as emotionally available and responsive, providing a contrast to the emotional unavailability you may have experienced with your attachment figure. Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), a type of somatic and experiential therapy, focuses on transforming negative emotional experiences into positive ones. This can involve processing and integrating painful emotions, allowing for a more adaptive and positive emotional response.
Moreover, AEDP aims at repairing attachment wounds. Exploring and understanding the impact of the emotionally unavailable attachment figures on attachment patterns in adulthood, can be a crucial aspect of the therapeutic process. Limited communication and discussion about emotions within the family may understandably lead to a sense of invisibility. Therefore, a therapeutic emphasis on the integration of emotional experiences into one’s overall sense of self is often essential for healing an emotional wound born in childhood. This process can lead to a more coherent and resilient self-structure.
Here are some general suggestions that might help:
Acknowledge and Accept Your Feelings:
Recognize and accept your emotions. It's okay to feel anger, sadness, or frustration about having an emotionally unavailable mother. Allow yourself to experience and express these emotions without judgment.
Understand Your Attachment Figure’s Limitations:
Try to understand that your attachment figure’s emotional unavailability may be rooted in her own past experiences, traumas, or mental health issues. This understanding doesn't excuse her behavior, but it can provide context for her actions.
Set Realistic Expectations:
Adjust your expectations of your attachment figure. Accept that she may not be capable of providing the emotional support you desire. Setting realistic expectations can help you avoid disappointment.
Establish Boundaries:
Establish clear and healthy boundaries with your attachment figures. This might involve limiting the time spent together or being mindful of the topics you discuss. Protecting your emotional well-being is crucial.
Build a Support System:
Surround yourself with supportive friends, family, or a therapist. Having a strong support system can provide the emotional connection and understanding that may be lacking in your relationship with your attachment figure.
Self-Compassion:
Be compassionate with yourself. Understand that your feelings are valid, and you deserve love and care. Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend.
Focus on Self-Engagement:
Engage in activities that tend to the parts of you that were unseen, unappreciated, or devalued. This might include pursuing hobbies, learning new skills, or setting and achieving personal goals.
Educate Yourself:
Learn more about emotional neglect, attachment styles, and the impact of childhood experiences on adult relationships. Understanding these concepts can provide insights into your own experiences.
Remember that healing is a gradual process, and it's okay to seek professional help if needed. A therapist can provide tailored guidance and support as you navigate your emotions and work towards healing.
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It is a caregiver who is unattuned to a child’s emotional needs. Signs include being consistently unresponsive to your emotional needs, dismissing or ignoring your feelings rather than offering comfort, leaving you fearful of expressing emotions openly, and being inconsistent in showing love and affection so you felt uncertain about their availability.
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They can affect self-esteem, leaving a sense of unworthiness or a belief that your emotional needs are not valid. In adulthood they often show up as difficulty with trust and intimacy, and a sense of invisibility that traces back to limited emotional communication in the family. Some people also learned to take on a caretaker role, meeting others’ needs rather than their own.
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Yes. Therapy works to create corrective emotional experiences, where experiencing the therapist as emotionally available and responsive contrasts with the unavailability you may have known. Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), a somatic and experiential approach, focuses on processing painful emotions and repairing attachment wounds, integrating them into a more coherent and resilient sense of self.
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The article suggests several steps: acknowledge and accept your feelings, understand the figure’s limitations without excusing them, set realistic expectations, establish healthy boundaries, build a support system, practice self-compassion, engage the parts of you that went unseen, and educate yourself about attachment. It notes that healing is gradual and that a therapist can offer tailored support.